Author: Brad Miller

I am an adherent of the Freedom Philosophy, Primal Living Advocate, chronic pain endurer, autoimmune disease warrior, who understands that I own myself.

Burning Skin Pain, Bactine, and Stoma Collars

 

I suffered from burning pain around my stoma since receiving my first ileostomy. My stoma is constantly changing size and shape and I’ve never been unable to get a good seal around it. After trying just about every paste, powder and barrier wipe on the market I had pretty much accepted the pain would always be a part of my life. I would be trapped changing my bag every day or if I was lucky every other day and I was trapped with suffering from this excruciating burning pain that I would never be able to escape. But after one disastrous date with a girl I really liked created the motivation I needed to fin a solution. It took years of research, trial and error and looking beyond the traditional medical establishment to find it. I found that using a numbing spray with Lidocaine plus a Stoma Collar proved to be a winning combination and to this day I am no longer a victim of this horrific mind twisting, social life destroying, self-esteem crushing pain.

The burning pain is like battery acid. It is an insistent pain that I could never escape from once it starting. No mental trick, no staying busy or engaging in other activities ever helped to remove the pain signal from the front of my mind. It interfered with every aspect of my life. I’ve had holidays, weekends, dinners and a hundreds of normal days ruined because of this pain. I tried different powders, pastes, seals wafers, and other products and nothing helped. Then I thought if I can’t protect the skin around my stoma then maybe I can numb the pain. That was an epiphany. All the times I told my doctor, my surgeon and my ostomy nurse about the pain not one suggested this. While I was researching late at night accompanied by the burning pain, I ran across an article about how women after delivery would be advised to use Dermablast to numb their nether regions. I’m not a woman nor have I just had a baby but I did have a painful skin problem so I figured why the hell not give it a try. When I tried Dermablast for the first time I couldn’t believe the result. For the first time after decades of sufferingI had a weapon, besides changing my bag, that would relive the burning pain.

From then on whenever the pain hit I would simply uncouple my bag (I’ve always used a two piece system) clean around my stoma and spray. The pain would vanish in less than thirty seconds. Two problems became apparent early on. The granulated  bleeding seeping skin that had developed around my stoma was still present and the Dermablast cans were too big to fit into my pocket. I was forced to carry a messenger bag or a backpack with me at all times to contain the can. It would take another year and a half before I solved the later problem but I quickly found a better delivery system for the Lidocaine than the Dermablast.

Bactine has been a staple of my ostomy kit every since I first used it. The pump dispenser is far superior and more gentle than the Dermablast and I’m able to fill up a small pump bottle with it that fits discreetly in my pocket. I found a package of small empty pump spray bottles ranging from 10-30ml on Amazon. My regular routine is to carry two of them. One filled with a biologic odor eliminator and one filled with Bactine. They are so small no one knows I have them in my pockets.  I no longer have to carry a messenger bag or a backpack. Traveling light is a great feeling. I can go to dinner with no encumbrances, I can got to a movie and not worry about suffering through it with the burning pain, and I can be assured if I am on a date I can quickly go to the bathroom spray the skin around my stoma and be back at the table, pain free in less than five minutes. This opened up life for me in a way I can’t put into words.

Even though I had found a great solution to my burring pain it didn’t address what was causing it. My granulated tissue still persisted. I was still changing my bag about every other day. I read with envy the stories from people who changed their bags after 3 or 4 days and I thought the people who said they wore theirs for 5-7 days were bold faced liars. On top of that the effectiveness of the Lidocane only went so far. The spray took the pain away but if the pain was particularly bad , the relief would only last for minutes instead of hours. This was something I had to fix. Again I reached out to all the professional medical people I’m supposed to see, ran up more co-pays spent days wasted going to their offices only to be told there really isn’t more they could do for me. One surgeon did use silver nitrate to try and cauterize the granulated skin in an attempt to eliminate it. The procedure was extremely painful and and didn’t help. (He didn’t offer a refund either) Even after this failure I wasn’t going to give up. If I found a solution to controlling the pain I knew I could find one for healing the granulated tissue.

 

After exhausting tons of different wafer designs and another round of trying pastes and different seals I found my solution.  During one of my late night research sessions  I came across a video for the product that changed my life and helped me to heal my skin. It was a video for Salts Stoma Collar. An amazing invention that is a hydrocolloid collar that snuggly encircles the stoma and has a flat bottom that adheres to the skin. It moves with the stoma and prevents stool from getting on the skin. I ordered samples that night. After about two weeks I received a huge bag full of samples including the stoma collar. The one supplied was too big but I could see its potential right away when I put it on.

Salts didn’t and still doesn’t have U.S. distribution. I found a Canadian company to buy from. Unfortunatley insurance doesn’t pay for these. But the cash lay out of about $200 was well worth the investment. I ordered two sizes and one of them fit great. Once I found the right size and started wearing the stoma collar on a regular basis  the pain was almost nearly gone, my granulated skin disappeared after four or five months, and I now could wear my bag for four or five days. While I was in the hospital I could even wear it for seven days, which I thought was an impossibility not more than a year before. The Stoma Collars greatly improved my life. For over a year I used the collars and only stopped using them recently. I’ve had a lot of bowel obstruction problems lately and decided to go back to my Eakins for now. My stoma needs free reign and I’m not eating much so I don’t have as much output and thus not much burning pain. And if the burning pain does show up, which it does a few times a week,  I can trust my ever present Bactine to put a quick stop to it.

If you are struggling with ostomy issues don’t give up. Don’t give up if your doctors and ostomy nurses have no more solutions. Don’t give up if you’ve tried every product available. New products are being developed all the time. Don’t give up on living because of pain. Don’t give up. Pain is horrible. Chronic pain that you can’t do anything about can ruin your life. It can create a sense of helplessness, it can separate you from those you love, or those you want to get to know, it can make your withdrawn, it can warp your personality, and keep you from enjoying life more fully. My life changed only when I refused to lose any more time to the burring pain, The pain only yielded to determination, persistence, and my unshakable belief that I would find a solution. Only then did I find the products and procedures that put an end to the reign of the horrific, mind consuming, burning pain.

The end of pain is the beginning of pleasure.

Brad Miller

Link to Where to purchase Salts Stoma Collars – This website I’ve ordered many times from. It’s a Canadian company and orders usually arrives in ten days or less. Shipping I think is $24.

http://myostomy.ca/search?q=stoma+collar

 

Link to Salts – Stoma Collar information

http://www.salts.co.uk/Our-Products/Stoma-Solutions/Product.aspx?ProductID=PROD20

(copy and past to follow above links)

 

Small Pump Spray Bottles at Amazon

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00CL6QE92/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

 

 

 

 

 

Why keep going?

That is a question I’ve asked myself hundreds of times throughout the almost three decades of being in the Cycle of Suffering. Why continue? Why keep going? Why go to the doctor again? The only answer that has kept me going all these years is that I have to keep going, keep searching for help, and keep living because those who love me need me to.

I’ve felt worthless, burdensome, and down right parasitic most of my life. I’ve lived with family rent free all my life. I’ve never had a place of my own. I do help out where I can. I’m currently blogging and getting a podcast up and running. Needless to say this is a hobby more than a business. As a man its extremely difficult for me to reconcile being chronically ill and still feeling useful.

I’ve always thought that a man should be a protector and a provider. I can see why I don’t have a girlfriend or probably never will because I am neither of these things. I currently can’t even take care of myself and I’m doubled over in pain more often than I’m not. These are not traits that the opposite sex is looking for. I understand that. Unfortunately my biology still wants to have a mate, have kids, and pass on my genes. This emotional pain can make dealing with the chronic pain and everything that goes with it even more difficult.

Life produces life. Isn’t that why we are here?  I know I’m not the only one who can’t have kids. Either it’s a physical issue with fertility or its secondary traits or behaviors that preclude them from passing on their genetic material. I am the reason why I’m unattractive to the opposite sex and why I don’t have kids and probably never will. For me it’s not a fertility issue but the secondary characteristics that make it highly unlikely I’ll ever have offspring.

If I’m not here to pass on my genetic material then why do I exist? What makes the suffering, the pain, the loneliness, the frustration, the humiliation, the loss of control, the loss of organs, the surgeries, the medical bills, the hospitalizations worth while? For me it boils down to those I love. I’ve been very close before many times of choosing not to continue but I’ve always come back to the fact that those who love me, need me to.

Even if I’m not a provider, protector or a procreator for anyone I can still be of value. I can still listen to someone, I can be easy to be around, I can help others laugh, I can  give someone a hug, I can read them a story, I can smile at someone instead of frown, or share some helpful information. The pain is building again. Every breath hurts. I can tell I’m holding my breath more to try and lessen the pain. It doesn’t help. I will not give up or give in. I’ll continue to go to the doctor, I’ll keep making healthier choices, I’ll keep going because that’s my only option, I’ll keep going because my family loves me, I’ll keep going because the pain doesn’t define who I am, I’ll keep going because I want to see my nephews and nieces grow up, I’ll keep going because life can get better, I’ll keep going because I want to own a tiny house and travel the country, I’ll keep going because I want to interview people who are going through the same thing and help them share their stories on my podcast, I’ll keep going because I can choose to define what it means to be successful man for myself.

For me being a man is about being an individual and choosing to judge myself by criteria I choose and not by the values of others who have no idea what I’ve gone through or what I continue to suffer with. It’s not about what I have or what I haven’t accomplished yet.

 

Brad Miller

Helpfulness and Hopefulness: A 21 Day Challenge

 

“The wish for healing has always been half of health.” Seneca

I was diagnosed at age 11 with Ulcerative Colitis and have been in pain, felt sick, and been in and out of hospitals ever since. For most of that time I’ve felt that I was the sole cause of how I felt. With UC and subsequently Psoriasis being both autoimmune diseases and having an immune system causing systemic inflammation,  I am in a sense truly the cause of my suffering. That is the conundrum I’ve faced all my life. My body attacks itself. No matter what I do consciously my immune system is out of control and causing me pain and causing me to feel terrible.

For the last thirty years I’ve been living in what I call the “Cycle of Suffering”. It is divided into three parts: The Lead-Up, The Crisis Event, The Recovery. The Lead-up is where my symptoms become worse and worse, its not a linear process, and there is moments when I feel better, but overall the arch is toward increasing pain, inflammation and fatigue. Then there is “The Crisis Event”. This is usually either a small bowel obstruction or a pancreatitis attack. I go to the hospital about once to twice a year for these but I have far more frequent crisis events throughout the year which cause me to be bedridden for weeks at home After The Crisis Event comes The Recovery Phase. This is where the pain begins to wane,  my mind is clearing and my body begins to get stronger again. I’ve repeated this cycle hundreds of times since the age of 11 with no sign that it will ever end.

That sounds pretty bleak. And it feels that way. But I’m done with dwelling on this thought. I can’t count how many times this type of thinking has caused me to stop an endeavor before I begin or to not finish what I start. I would always think “why does it matter?”. My reasoning was that eventually the lead-up phase will lead to a crisis phase and that will put a stop to what I’m doing anyway. This is what causes the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness to flourish and cause me to ask myself:

Why should I make a new friend? Why should I try a new business idea? Why should I ask a girl out on a date? Sooner rather than later I’ll be so sick I won’t be able to be a good friend and they’ll end up abandoning me, I’ll not have the energy to run a business and I’ll run out of money and I’ll fail, and if a girl I like get’s to know me she’ll find out how miserable I am, how much of a failure I am and will never want to see me again.

I can tell that I’m in the recovery phase of the cycle now because I’m desiring to make changes because I’m realizing how much is missing in my life and what changes can I make to get them. I’ve been here hundreds of times during my hundreds of Cycles of Suffering and  his time I want the positive changes I make to stick even through the next lead-up phase and even carry through the crisis phase as well. For the next 21 days I am challenging myself to replace my negative thoughts  that create the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness for the next 21 day with thoughts that create feelings of helpfulness and hopefulness. I’m going to use ideas pulled from Stoicism, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, NeuroLinguistic Programming and other techniques that experts recommend for breaking the Learned Helplessness mindset.

Day 1 Practical Action:

Five minute walk – I will walk at least five minutes everyday during the 21 day challenge. This is a “proof” that I am helpful to myself and firmly believe that the feelings of hopefulness are strengthened by positive actions.

Day 1 Mental Action:

Thought Replacement 

This is the thought I’m getting rid of today.

“I am the cause of my suffering”

Even just reading what I wrote here caused me to feel a twinge of hopelessness and sadness. I’ve had this thought a million times.

This is the thought I am replacing it with:

“I take good care of myself”

I felt empowered when I wrote that. By going on the five minute walk today I do have evidence that this statement is true. All during the walk I also said my new replacement thought out loud. I did get a look from a passing neighbor but I just waved and kept talking to myself.

Walking is a powerful tool for mental and physical improvement. It helps to relax the mind, strengthens the body and creates  positive neurochemicals in the brain.  It’s a concrete way to help demonstrate positive self-care.

For those who haven’t had to deal with a life of suffering, these two steps might seem meaningless or not worth the effort because they aren’t “big” enough to create noticeable change. I’ve in fact I felt that as well. And I’ve used that as an excuse not to attempt to improve when I only had the capacity for limited actions due to pain and fatigue.  I’ve also used that same logic to justify making too many changes at once, which I couldn’t maintain for long. Both of these approaches have been ineffective for me. That’s why for 21 days I’m focused on making small changes that I can maintain and build upon.

I’m not sure if I can ever truly end my “Cycle of Suffering” but I can adapt and improve my life during the lead-up phase as well as the recovery period. And I’m hopeful I can even shorten the time I’m totally down when a crisis event occurs. I’ve done this type of self-improvement stuff hundreds of times before and each time I do, small amounts of what I learn stick. But the helpless and hopeless feelings are deeply engrained in my psyche and I’ve not been able to get rid of them yet. My hope is that by the end of 21 days I’ll have a better understanding of  how to erase the mental pathways that make it so easy for the feelings of helplessness and hopeless to overwhelm me. I am doing this with the full realization that the physical triggers that have caused them to occur in the past may very well still occur in the future when another “Cycle of Suffering” begins.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been locked into a “Cycle of Suffering” and what they’ve done to adapt to it or even end it. And if you are following along with this challenge please leave a comment below and share what thought you are replacing today and what action you’re taking to rid yourself of the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Living better today one thought at a time.

Brad Miller

 

 

Saving money on TV

Being chronically ill or suffering from chronic pain or both doesn’t relieve me of my responsibility to handle my finances. I wish it did. Normally that is the last thing I want to think about when I’m sick along with the mounting medical bills. And that’s why I’m glad I’ve recently found a way to save around $800 per year by simply switching over to SlingTv. Combining this 25 channel service with Netflix and Amazon Prime Video along with Audible an audio book streaming service,  I have all the entertainment I could ever want for a lot less than we were paying for DishNetwork Satellite Cable service.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9w7yaT8UQC4&list=PLI5XFNEvAtE2StS-PjY6LN88sC91-7fFM&index=2

SlingTV is a streaming service from DishNetwork that has limited channel options with a substantially lower monthly cost. Right now I am paying $20 a month for the this service and getting twenty five channels. I’m getting all the channels that I was watching before when the household satellite bill was $83 per month and climbing year after year. This net savings of $63 a month or $756 a year is an easy way for me to improve my financial situation.

You can try SlingTv for seven days for free. I highly recommend checking it out. I learned about it from the Danny Trejo commercials.

https://www.sling.com

I only watch the History Channel, Food Network, Travel Channel, Comedy Central, TBS, and some HGTV. I couldn’t see the benefit of having all the other channels I never watched. I’ve been looking for a way to cut the cord for a while. Millions of people are doing so as well. In fact close to twenty percent of households have done so. SlingTV helped me to cut the cord and I’m thrilled to do it. There is some satisfaction in paying for only stuff I watch.  If you are not happy with only twenty five channels they also offer add on channel packages for sports, kids and movies.

So far I am very happy with the service. I can watch it on my phone, tablet,lap top or television. The picture quality is great, I like the guide better than standard Dish Network and its extremely easy to navigate. Yesterday I watched the first episode of friends and three episodes of Luke Cage on Netflix and a house hunting show on HGTV through SlingTV. The Roku built in to our new television makes it  extremely easy to navigate back and forth between the different services.

I’m laid up a lot right now due to severe pain from chronic idiopathic pancreatitis. Many nights I don’t sleep and the nights that I do, I get a bout two to four hours. I am grateful that Netflix and these other services are available and the pricing is amazing for the content that they provide. I was already paying for Netflix about $14.99 a month (I need to cancel the DVD option and it will go back down to $8.99  per month)before switching over to SlingTV. The monthly on SlingTV and Netflix is less than thirty bucks a month and me provides me with a ton of entertainment. On top of that I already pay for Amazon Prime for shipping and get all of their video library as well.

The hardware costs involved in order to switch to streaming services is reasonable as well. You need either a smart tv that has a streaming box installed in it or a stand alone unit to hook up to your existing television. There are a ton of options out there. Roku, Amazon, Google, and Apple all offer solutions for this.  I bought an Apple TV  unit about six months ago for $90. And there’s no monthly charge after that. Recently we bought the 39′ Insignia Smart TV from Best Buy . It only cost $239 and it comes with a built in Roku machine. Normally a Roku machine will run anywhere from $35-$75. And I bought an HD antenna which I haven’t got to work yet, for $20. Overall not a whole lot of outlay for switching over to streaming full time. Most folks only would need to buy a streaming box to connect their existing flat screen T.V. in order to get SlingTv and the other online video services. Right now I think I like the Roku navigation and setup better than my Apple TV.

A couple of downsides to SlingTV is that they don’t offer local channels and you still have commercials to watch. For me that’s okay. I don’t watch network tv except when a new Big Bang Theory comes on. The most last season plus this year’s episodes have been awful so I don’t feel like this is a big loss. I’ll be able to catch it in reruns eventually anyway. I did buy an HD antenna for local channels. I’m still trying to get that to work. I might have to buy an external one. But the antenna I did buy was only $20 and I think I’ll eventually get it to work. That way I can all my local channels plus other free over the air HD channels.

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/insignia-39-class-38-5-diag–led-1080p-smart-hdtv-roku-tv-black/4863802.p?skuId=4863802

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/insignia-fine-tuning-indoor-hdtv-antenna-black/8234002.p?skuId=8234002

 

I’ve tried other streaming services like HULU but I only watched Seinfeld on it. I couldn’t see paying $12 bucks a month for that.I’ve seen every episode of Seinfeld at least ten times and it’s on TBS all the time as well. Instead of paying the $12 for Hulu I’m thinking about buying Seinfeld on Blueray or from iTunes. I also have UFC Fight Pass but I’m considering canceling that. I just don’t watch it that much any more. And in the past I’ve had Pandora as well. That was a service I just didn’t use much. I’d rather buy a few songs per month and actually own them then use their service.

Being able to laugh and get lost in powerful storytelling is extremely comforting for me when I’m hurting. Whether the story is on Netflix, on the page or in the form of an Audio book.  I’ve recently gotten into listening to old school science fiction on Audible. While I cook, get some sun or drive to the store or even while laying on the couch I can listen to a great story and for a moment or even tens of minutes I can get lost in the struggles of people on far off lands or in galaxies far far away.  I just finished listening to “Farnham’s Freehold” by Robert Heinlein. Very well done story about survival, love and time travel after WWIII. I’m not a fan of how the Audible site works but I love the audio books. For $14.95 per month you get one Audio book per month. That is very reasonable seeing that Audio Books on CD used to be ridiculously expensive.

For me being sick doesn’t give me a lot to look forward to. Having a great story or a new TV show I’m into helps me to have something to put on my “calendar” and get excited about. It’s something small but it helps. “Stranger Things” is a Netflix show that helped me get through a tough week of pain and it was nice to have the next episode to look forward to and I’m really excited about the next season which should come out around July 2017. The show is a mix between The X-Files and the Goonies. It’s set in the 1980’s and the shows producers have done and amazing job recreating the look of that time period. This show along with many others like Luke Cage, Dare Devil and Narcos all give me something to look forward to even when my life is at a stand still and I don’t have anything else going on.

Those who are in the entertainment business have no idea how much they’ve helped me endure. Over the last thirty years I’ve been laid up more than I’ve been upright and I’ve had a chance to watch tons of TV, movies and read hundreds of books. I actually wrote a screenplay almost twenty years ago as a way to get involved in the industry. I even went to LA an shopped it around a little. Right now I’m think about writing another one. There is always a need for content and great storytelling. And as more and more people adopt the streaming services more and more writers will be needed to create new material. I’m no Spielberg or James Cameron but I enjoy trying. Writing is another way that I can get lost in time and forget about the pain.

Laughter has been hailed as a medicine for millennia. I’ve spent countless hours watching Seinfeld, The Big Bang Theory, Archer, South Park and many other comedies. This is what I gravitate towards. For me I always enjoy funny movies or television shows more when I watch them with someone else who has a similar sense of humor. But even when watching shows that I think are hilarious by myself I still get a benefit. Smiling and laughing helps soothe the body and the mind.  Evidence of humans being aware of the power of laughter dates back thousands of years.

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones” Proverbs 17:22

Having these streaming services grants me access to thousands of hours of laughter. The cost per laugh has to be in the fractions of a penny and I am grateful for that. Researchers are starting to come around and discover why Laughter is an effective medicine but there is a lot of work to be done to find the mechanisms for this. But I doubt they’ll ever discover that it’s the “best medicine”. Some doctors envision a future in which the medical community will recommend everyone get 15-20 minutes of laughter a day just as they recommend 30 minutes of exercise per day. I believe it’s just as important for those who are chronically sick and for those who aren’t. The world needs more laughter.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2762283/

Streaming services offer an incredible value for the low monthly costs. SlingTV is the newest service I’ve tried and I highly recommend it. Being chronically ill is a mental emotional and financial struggle. Any time I can  lower the cost of a service I enjoy plus get it delivered to me in a much better way I call that a win-win. Sometimes I get stuck in a suffering mindset and I don’t seek out new solutions for problems I’ve been dealing with for months or even years. Taking a small step like cutting the cord and canceling DishNetwork’s satellite service feels good. It was a positive step that saves me money and with SlingTV I still have  the entertainment and distraction I need when the pain gets overwhelming.

What streaming services are you currently using to help you weather the storms of being Chronically Ill? Please leave a comment and let me know if you’ve tried SlingTv as well.

Hoping that you can find the time to laugh and get lost in a great story today.

Brad Miller

 

 

Stoicism, Anxiety and Chronic Illness

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” Marcus Aurelius

I’ve hated holidays, weekends and especially my birthday ever since I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at the age of 11. There were emotional, social and physical factors that caused me to dread of these cultural happy events. I still feel anxious when my family mentions going on holiday or when my brothers are planning a fishing or hunting trip. The anxiety wells up because I want to participate but I know that pain, fatigue, fear of new environments, and changes of schedule will 9 times out of 10 back out of going or if I do go I’ll not enjoy myself. That’s because the problem with being chronically ill and in constant pain is that my body and mind are the cause of my miserable state. And I’ve been miserable most of my life and especially during these so called happy times.

I used to think that my reaction to life, my anxiety and fear surrounding holidays, weekends and my birthday was a character defect. I thought that I was mentally weak because I couldn’t consistently overcome my negative thought patterns to build a life I was proud of. During these “happy times” I was always reminded about how much was missing in my life because of my chronic pain and chronically feeling like shit. I don’t have a mate, I don’t have my own place, I don’t have a social life…The don’t have list was constantly on my mind during these events or prevented me from participating all together.

The mental anxiety was warranted because I would get physically ill because of changes in my eating, drinking and resting patterns.  This coupled with the host of negative emotions of being different, worrying about passing gas through my stoma (uncontrollably) and the prospect of experiencing the humiliation of filing someone’s home with the horrific smell that only an ileostomy can produce produced near panic levels of anxiety. Needless to say I’ve not been very socially active in the past 30 years.

I’ve only been to one Christmas party in the last ten years. And I was miserable the whole time. The bathroom was in the kitchen where a lot of people were congregated, there was almost nothing I could eat there without being sick, and on top of that I was in horrific pain. The anxiety of having to dump my bag in the bathroom right beside the kitchen was horrible. So I waited as long as I could but I finally had to give in or my bag would start leaking and then I’d have to tell my brother and his family I had to go home. Ruining other people’s good time is another one of my constant fears as well. I still feel sick to my stomach when I remember the anxiety of dumping my bag there. Going to new places and being away from my home bathroom is a huge deal to me. I’ve actually developed a small kit I carry with along with useful strategies that help me feel less anxious and more in control of my ileostomy variables. (I’ll share my tips and what I carry in my small kit in later posts)

Being chronically ill actually changes the way my brain functions. It has been shown recently that the immune system (lymphatic system) is directly connected to the brain. And nuero-plasticity science pioneered by Dr. Michael Merzenich author of  the book “Soft-Wired” writes about how the brain can be rewired throughout our lives. When we focus intently on something this can strengthen connections between certain neurons and weaken connections between others. These connections are associated with learning, actions and emotions.I’ve allowed negative thoughts to become runaway mental trains that soon overtake all other thoughts while I’m sick and these have create tracks or pathways that become easier and easier to fall in to each time I indulge negative thoughts and allow anxiety to overcome me. But I know that I have the power to further rewire my brain to undo the damage and  that’s one of the reasons why I’ve been drawn to Stoicism. Stoicism is an ancient belief that teaches that we are in control of what we determine is good or bad and that having a positive peaceful mental state is the only thing that is needed for a happy life.

http://www.soft-wired.com

https://news.virginia.edu/illimitable/discovery/theyll-have-rewrite-textbooks (article on the physical connection between the immune system and the brain)

The power to rewire the human brain can have be used for positive and negative effect. Unfortunately  when I’m really sick I tend to lose the rational ability to think and focus on concepts like neuro-plasticity and I fall into old thought patterns of what scientists call “sickness behavior”. In fact its been discovered that cytokines, the chemical messengers of the immune system, can have dramatic affects on the brain. The discipline of psychoneuroimmunology studies these effects on the brain. Sickness behavior is what drives animals to be alone when ill, lose their appetite, and display other behaviors like avoidance behavior that we identify with being ill. There are definite chemical changes that happen in the brain when large amounts of cytokines are released into the blood.

http://neuroschoolrome.univ-lille1.fr/faculty/dantzer/bbimmunity07.pdf (in depth look at cytokines and their role in inducing sickness behavior)

As I’ve grown older I’ve discovered ways of overcoming or at least mediating these anxious and negative feelings. Knowledge about my condition and learning how to lesson some of the more unpleasant aspects of having an ileostomy have all been helpful. But I still have trouble with my thought patterns, staying positive, planning for the future, and being active each day consistently working toward specific goals.. Being sick and in pain separates me from “normal life”. I have to force myself to reach out to my family when I’m sick. I have to force myself to try new things and to finish projects I’ve already started. There are certain biological factors that create my “sick brain” and the physiological changes do effect my behavior and thought patterns in powerful ways. Doing everything I can to lower inflammation or lower my over active immune response is key for me to lower the physical threshold I have for living a healthier and happier life, and that includes lowering my stress response to daily life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychoneuroimmunology (good overview of this discipline that focuses on the connection between the brain and immune system)

Stoicism is an ancient belief system that developed during the Greek and Roman times. It is a philosophy that focuses on creating a peaceful internal mental state.

“You have power over your mind not outside events” Marcus Aurelius

These are some of the lessons of Stoicism I’ve learned and applied in my life:

  1. Emotions are generated from within
  2. The internal mental state is what is truly important
  3. Your thoughts are powerful and you should guard them accordingly
  4. You have the ability to label an experience good or bad
  5. Live in harmony with nature. Humans are not separate from nature.
  6. Don’t worry about the future. Now is the time to live.
  7. Failure is temporary. It is too be learned from.
  8. Adversity should be viewed as a vehicle for demonstrating virtue – patience, self-compassion, and strength.
  9. Gratitude for what we have is vitally important and creates a peaceful mind
  10. Our life is our responsibility
  11. Being a good friend is one of the best things in the world
  12. Expectations and anticipation can cause unnecessary suffering

“Expecting is the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow, it loses today.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

A lot of times I’ve suffered needlessly because I’ve held on to the expectation that I would live a “normal life”. I missed most of junior high and high school. My biggest relationship I have is with my pain and illness. I’ve had only one serious girlfriend and that was almost twenty years ago. I don’t have kids or have a home of my own. But I can be happy and content in the present without accepting this as fate. Stoicism doesn’t teach apathy. It teaches strength, courage, and tenacity in the face of adversity and focusing on having a peaceful unperturbed mind even though storms rage outside, or rage inside for those of us who are suffering from chronic pain and autoimmune conditions.

“The wish for healing has always been half of health.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Health was a huge concern for the Romans as it is for humans in today’s society. Seneca is one of the three pillars of the Stoic tradition and he understood the connection between the mind and body two thousand years ago. Instead of focusing on everything that is wrong with me I try more and more now to focus on the state of health I want to experience. A strong body that is free of pain and all my organs performing their function properly. This idea also foreshadows the idea of visualization which a lot of health practitioners are recommending to their patients.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/flourish/200912/seeing-is-believing-the-power-visualization

Below  is another one of my favorite quotes. All the Stoic writers were very intelligent and viewed the Stoic philosophy as a practical guide to maximizing a human’s experience on Earth while engaged in living. What I especially like about Seneca is that he participated in life. He was not monk or a priest. He acquired wealth and enjoyed the finer things in life but still he struggled with what I struggle with as well. He suffered later in life with chronic pain and even contemplated suicide. He stuck around because of his father.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca\

This quote has helped me through some of my worst days. I don’t give myself enough credit. I’ve endured for thirty years pain, fatigue, loneliness, financial struggle, uncertainty, hospital stays, surgery, thousands of needles, countless medications and I’m still here. If you’ve endured or are still enduring with health challenges don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes just getting out of bed and showering are acts of courage. Remember your strength. You can continue to endure and even thrive in the face of adversity. That is a lesson I’ve taken to heart from the Stoics as well.

“There is nothing in the world so much admired as a man who knows how to bear unhappiness with courage.” Seneca

When I read Seneca’s letters which are the main source of the above quotes, its as if he is speaking directly to me. Stoics were interested in helping each other live a happier life through controlling one’s thinking. They could be viewed as some of the first pioneers of the self-help movement and even the hippie new age movement. I used to struggle with the fact I didn’t feel I was a part of nature. I was so flawed that I didn’t even feel “human”. This quote continues to inspire and remind me that I am “natural” no matter how many organs I’m missing or if I have to defecate into a plastic bag.

“Everything is the product of one universal creative effort. There is nothing dead in Nature. Everything is organic and living, and therefore the whole world appears to be a living organism.”  Seneca

I view Stoicism as an anti-inflammatory means of organizing my thoughts. My attitudes and beliefs determine my emotional reaction to external stimuli. I have the power to determine if what I’m experiencing is good or bad. This goes along with what Viktor Frankl wrote during his experience while imprisoned in a concentration camp during WWII.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Applying the teachings of Stoicism in my life helps me to lessen the impact emotions have over my body and mind, helps me to detach emotionally from the outcomes and to accept pain and loss as part of the price of living as a human being. Stoicism isn’t meant to turn me into a robot that has no feeling or passively accept life as it happens. Rather it helps me to experience emotions in a more productive way and that allows for a happier existence in spite of being chronically ill and in near constant pain. Being “stoic” doesn’t just mean suffering in silence. It teaches the old school values that used to be valued in society, patience, kindness, self responsibility, courage, and  having a positive attitude. But the teachings of Stoicism also do help me to endure pain, loneliness, loss, and overcome the anxiety of living chronically ill. I don’t buy into all that Stoicism has to offer. But I do believe in the taking of what is useful from any source and applying it in my own life. And Stoicism is chock full of ideas that I’ve found helpful.

http://blogs.exeter.ac.uk/stoicismtoday/what-is-stoicism/ (an excellent primer on the teachings of Stoicism)

Two thing are occurring in my brain when I feel awful. There are chemical changes and also physical changes. Reducing overall inflammation is a great way to limit my the sickness behavior response. One of the best ways for me is to reduce my anxiety and I’ve found Stoicism to be an excellent tool to do this. The mind-body connection is a powerful one and its a two way street. I have the power to choose not only what I think but also what I feel according to my attitude. Stoicism for me is a philosophy of optimism and empowerment. To this day I still struggle with anxiety. The thought of another tomorrow filled with the pain fills me with dread. But I know that I have the power to create a more peaceful internal mental world by what I focus on. Stoicism helps me to focus on positive actions I can take in the moment and to accept the things I can not change.

One of the most powerful pieces of Stoic writing for me is Seneca’s piece “On the shortness of life”. This is a youtube audio version of it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYWEAa-D5vM

Also check out Tim Ferris’ blog. This is an article on how entrepreneurs can apply Stoic lessons in their lives but I believe it also is helpful for people who are chronically ill or dealing with chronic pain as well.

http://fourhourworkweek.com/2009/04/13/stoicism-101-a-practical-guide-for-entrepreneurs/

Stoic in Training

Brad Miller

If you’ve found Stoicism or other philosophies helpful in your own life please share your experience below.

 

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Philosophy And Chronic Illness

“Sometimes even to live is an act of Courage.” Seneca

I’ve wanted to give up countless times over the past thirty years. I’ve wanted the pain and loneliness to be over. I wanted to be done with the hospitals, the doctors, wearing a bag, getting stuck, taking pills. Even though I’ve wanted to quit many times it was never for very long. I’ve always gotten back up. I credit this to my family and the ideas from the authors I’ve read during my illness. Over these last thirty years I’ve read up a lot on philosophy, self-help and neuroscience.What I’ve concluded after all this reading is that my personal philosophy affects my health more than anything else I can do or others can do for me.

I hate being sick. I hate hurting. There is no philosophy that I’ve found that explains with any logic or merit why I’m sick or what purpose it serves. I used to believe in god but that ended when I was in my twenties. My personal philosophy doesn’t seek to understand or justify or explain why I’m sick or in horrific pain. What I’ve sought out is a practical system of thinking to help me live my best life today, enjoy life more and help others around me enjoy more of life as well. I see a personal philosophy as series of ideas that inform my choices, help me set priorities, and endure in the face of overwhelming sickness and pain.

When I ran my first marathon I came across the concept of having an Internal Locus of Control which I added as a key tenet of my personal philosophy. I decided to complete a marathon after almost dying from complications from a surgery. The recovery was horrifically painful. But I decided when I was in the hospital I would compete a marathon. My intention was to reestablish the paradigm that my mind controlled my body and not the other way around. I started walking around the hospital, then when I got home I started walking around the pool and then into the neighborhood.

I had purchased the book “Non-Runner’s Marathon Trainer” years before I started the training. So after the surgery I started reading it. Immediately I knew this would be one of the books that changed my life forever. It introduced me to the concept of having an Internal Locus of Control. This means that my actions determine my fate. The opposite is having an External Locus of Control meaning that external events and other people determine the course and outcome of my life. At the time my doctors and family all thought I was nuts to complete the training let alone complete a marathon. I highly recommend the book even if you never plan on completing a marathon.

https://www.amazon.com/Non-Runners-Marathon-Trainer-David-Whitsett/dp/1570281823

Seven months after almost dying I completed my first marathon, it took me five and a half hours but I finished. Those seven months of training were more about training me how to think rather than how to run. Later on in the training schedule I would use the techniques in the book to breeze through an 8 mile run after work. Look back on that now seems impossible. But at the time it was just what I did. One of the techniques I really liked was the concept of typing out on an imaginary computer positive sentences while I was running. I would imagine my fingers hitting each letter on a keyboard then it would display upon on the computer screen in my mind. I would spell out “I am strong”, “I can run all day” and “I enjoy running”. These ideas became true. Now its been almost 9 years since I completed the marathon and I haven’t ran much recently. But I have begun using this technique again to help me get my chronic pancreatitis under control.

Having a personal philosophy is vitally important to everyone but especially for those who have a chronic illness. For those who are suffering it can feel like your body, your doctors, the insurance companies and the government are in control of your life, instead of you. But that is merely a choice of how to think. Once you decide that a key part of your personal philosophy is having an Internal Locus of Control new cognitive and physical doors will begin to open. Your body responds to your thoughts I’ve not personally been able to heal myself through thinking. I know it’s not a quick fix but I do believe my thoughts have an extremely important part in healing and helping me to make choices that will lead to a fuller more fulfilling life.

A key part of my personal philosophy is that I do have an Internal Locus of Control. I have the ability to find a solution to every health issue I have and to create the life I want to live. Even if its not a full solution or so called “cure” and even if it takes years to figure it out. I will never stop improving myself and seeking to feel better. I do have the ability to finding ways to live better each day. It’s not always easy to feel like and I have my doubts somedays especially on those days when I don’t even want to get out of bed. But the underlying idea of having an Internal Locus of Control that helps me to keep getting back up after I get knocked back down, whether it’s by a bowel obstruction or a severe pancreatitis attack. I want to live. I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to fall in love. I want to feel good. I want to feel pleasure not merely be pain free. And that desire plus the belief that my actions can change my fate are what keep me going.

My next two posts will be on the ways Stoicism and the Paleo lifestyle have shaped my personal philosophy and my relationship to my chronic pain and autoimmune diseases.

Keep taking those small steps – they add up

Brad Miller

 

Please leave a comment if you’ve found philosophy helpful in dealing with chronic illness or chronic pain.

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Ten things to do instead of watching the debate

Human health includes both inputs and outputs. What we think, what we watch, and how we feel directly influence everything from the architecture of our brain to how well our immune system is functioning. I’ve listed ten things we all can do that will be better our health on Monday instead of watching the Presidential debate which can induce high blood pressure, depression, hopelessness, apathy, and even thoughts of self-harm. So if you want to avoid all of those possible side effects of watching the debate take a crack at doing one of these fun and healthy alternatives.

  1. Make Love to your significant other. If you think 90 minutes is being a bit overly optimistic than start with head to toe massage and then get to the good stuff. Then repeat until the 90 minutes are up.

    Sexual intercourse helps to boost your immune system and also helps to lower blood pressure. Watching the presidential debate will definitely raise viewers blood pressure.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/sex-and-health

2. Cook and eat a Primal Meal. I would suggest making grass fed beef tacos. Mix up your own taco seasonings, lettuce tomato and if you are cool with dairy, organic cheddar cheese and organic sour cream. If you are feeling really adventurous you can make your own cassava flour tortillas. This is the link to my recipe for the tortillas.  They are delicious.

https://healthier2day.com/2016/08/10/cassava-flour-tortillas/

Eating paleo or primally has a host of health benefits. It can help you lose weight,  lower your cholesterol and help ease the symptoms of many  chronic illnesses. The Paleo approach to eating also helps you to avoid wheat, vegetable oils, and sugar that have a host of negative effects on the human body and all of which can contribute to diabetes, heart disease and even cancer.

3.  Get your garden ready for Fall planting. Now is the perfect time to revisit your      summer  garden and write down what worked and what didn’t. After that you can sit down and plan out what you are going to plant this fall. This is something the whole family can be involved with. Growing your own organic vegetables feeds your body and your soul.

http://www.motherearthnews.com/organic-gardening/what-to-plant-now-zl0z0903zalt

4. Start learning a new language. If you learn another language it can help increase your memory and help with avoiding common cognitive traps like spelling errors or common grammar errors. Also it helps to broaden your horizon and get a different perspective which is always a good thing. This can help you see through the “tribalism” that the media and the ruling elite attempt to box us all in with and it helps you avoid falling for their plans at creating tension amongst the various “tribes”.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/10/more-languages-better-brain/381193/

5. Play a board game with your family. I personally would avoid playing risk with my family because the shouting and hurt feelings defeats the purpose. But for most people playing board games is an activity full of smiles and laughter. We’ve heard over and over again laughter is the best medicine, I don’t know about that but laughter has been shown to increase endorphins and decrease stress hormones. Another great benefit of playing board games is that you sit across from each other and you make a lot of eye contact with each person. Anyone knows that one of the best things in the world is to be the recipient of a loved one’s full attention. This is especially important for kids.

Instead of staring into a glowing box projecting images and sounds of two people you don’t know and will never know, use your attention, intelligence, energy and time to engage with those that you love while playing a game. You’ll be having more fun than anyone who is watching the debate, I guarantee it.

http://www.healthfitnessrevolution.com/top-10-health-benefits-board-games/

6. Write three letters to the three people in your life. You don’t even have to send them. The site of handwriting from someone you love has a powerful affect on a person. It is almost like seeing a picture of them writing the letter while at the same time peering inside their minds. It’s a very intimate way to communicate. That’s why it’s very unfortunate kids are not being taught cursive any longer. It is an art form and it conveys individuality that you can feel. If you’ve ever come across an old letter from a long ago love or a birthday card signed by your grandma who passed away years ago, you know what I mean.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23540/the-surprising-health-benefits-of-writing-love-letters-according-to-science.html

Writing letters involves both sides of the brain. There is a structure to it the writing, there is the emotional component and what content you want to cover. It can be as simple as sharing your latest vacation trip with an uncle you’ve not spoken to for a while or a heartfelt thank you to a caregiver, a teacher, or someone else who has helped you in a powerful way you’ve never thanked properly. That is a thousand times more powerful than anything that’s going to be said on the glowing box by those two people you don’t know and will never meet.

7. Take a hike. That’s really what I want to tell all politicians. I know we’d better off without them but in the mean time go outside and walk. Go for as long as you can. It’s not a race. Take someone with you. Enjoy the birds, the breeze and the cool night air. The walk is all about the experience of being in nature even if it’s just walking in your neighborhood. Walking helps improve your circulation, strengthens your bones and improves your mood. Maybe the debate should have the candidates walking and talking?

http://www.arthritis.org/living-with-arthritis/exercise/workouts/walking/wow-of-walking.php

8. Go to a yoga class. This is a great time to try out yoga. I have a feeling no matter who is elected in the next fours years, their will be a lot of tumult, stress and strain in the U.S. The deep state doesn’t change when the tenets of the White House move out. Yoga is not just for unwashed hippies or girls in their twenties. It is extremely beneficial for mind and body. I actually followed a thirty day yoga youtube series “Yoga with Adrienne” last year. I’ve had a ton of abdominal surgeries and it helped to stretch out my scars and adhesions.

Yoga helps you get stronger, be more flexible and more resilient, both physically and emotionally. Watching the debates makes you feel powerless. Doing Yoga is empowering.

 

http://www.yogajournal.com/article/health/count-yoga-38-ways-yoga-keeps-fit/

9. Read a great book or listen to one – I am knee deep into a Robert Heinlein science fiction book on Audible. The narration is awesome and it deals with deep issues like slavery versus freedom, the book is “Farnham’s Freehold”.  Start a new book on Monday instead of watching the debates. You’ll have engaged your imagination, learned something knew, and have something to share with others. And you’ll be ahead of 42% of college students who never read another novel after graduation. That’s scary and it also explains the state of the world we live in.

Reading fiction helps to heighten connectivity in the brain. That according to experts is a good thing. Plus its enjoyable. Not being able to put down a great book is one of the great pleasures in life. Start on Monday or finish the book you’ve been neglecting.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201401/reading-fiction-improves-brain-connectivity-and-function

If you are not into fiction start reading up on a hobby you wanted to start or about farming, carpentry or some other practical skill. Or better yet about philosophy. If you are interested in Libertarian or The Freedom Philosophy I recommend checking out this free book by Leonard Read: “Anything Peaceful” which is the total opposite of what the two candidates will be spewing on Monday. This book covers why peace and individual liberty go hand in hand.

https://admin.fee.org/files/doclib/anything_thats_peaceful.pdf

The key is to use the time to grow, improve and be an active participant in life and not just a passive consumer. What I love most about books is that there are no commercials in them. I can’t believe no publisher hasn’t thought about putting ads in books yet. I’m glad they haven’t. Below is a bunch of other reasons why reading is awesome.

http://www.persistenceunlimited.com/2007/12/the-26-major-advantages-to-reading-more-books-and-why-3-in-4-people-are-being-shut-out-of-success/

10. Remove toxins from your house. Not having the debates on in your home is the first step in removing harmful cognitive toxins from your residence. The debates, the media, the talking heads all spew out harmful cognitive poison. I watched  “The Human Experiment” last night. It was eye opening. It’s not about cognitive poison but its about all the horribly toxic ingredients that are in everything from household cleaners to makeup to shaving cream to soap which wreak havoc on the human body. Spend time on Monday going through your home and reading labels. Then go online and research what natural and organic products you can buy to replace the toxic sludge we are soaking ourselves in daily.

Two brands I like are:

https://www.drbronner.com (great soap)

http://www.seventhgeneration.com (paper towels and household cleaners)

These are just ten things you can do that are good for your health instead of watching the debates which is not. Your vote won’t matter. Your individual actions and choices you make on a daily basis impact your life a billion times more than any politician’s actions ever will. Spend the time with the TV off as a silent protest to the powers that be and concentrate on living a healthier and happier life today. Your health is the bedrock of your life. It is the foundation for all your relationships. Spending time getting stronger, growing closer to your loved ones, improving you brain and exercising your body is a great way to become healthier today.

Your life is Epic – act accordingly.

Brad

Encouraging Life when you’re chronically sick

My Life Force is interrupted when I am sick. When I don’t feel well my life is greatly reduced. My ability and capacity to think, act and encourage life in plants, pets and family and friends is greatly limited. Love for me is using my life to encourage, support or increase the life of another person, plant or animal.  But in order to do this I must take better care of myself. And this is where researching, planting, tending and eventually eating from the organic perennial plants in my backyard I put into dirt helps.

I always feel better when I am helping to sustain or encourage the life of another living entity.   When I’m feeling the worst its nice to know that I have plants that I have nurtured from seed or sapling in the past into  fully functioning plants. When I look out my window into the backyard and see these plants growing it helps me to visualize a future in which I once again will be able to do the same.  I have hazel nut trees, hardy kiwi vines, a tea plant, asparagus, two avocado trees, and many other types of perennial plants that have endured through my negligence of being sick over the past four months. After only a week or two of attention they are all bouncing back, minus a few.

I know I’m feeling better when I want to plant something new and be responsible for its growth. This responsibility helps me to feel productive even on days when I feel like I’m a giant drain on the world instead of being a contributor to it. My latest project is growing Tree Collard plants. Having a living thing dependent on me is scary. Consistency is something that I am constantly struggling with. But the payoffs are worth the risk. Organic produce I can share, a reason to get up even when I feel my worst, and a tangible reminder that I can impact the world in a positive way.

http://projecttreecollard.org

I’ve studied Permaculture, organic farming, with an emphasis on perennial plants and have never heard of this plant until a few weeks ago. I found out about these amazing plants while reading an article on supplements. The expert being interviewed recommended growing your own organic veggies and mentioned Tree Collards. It didn’t take me long to find the Project Tree Collard website. Their site is full of great information and video tutorials. After reviewing their site I orderdered three of them from their Amazon listing. I found out from past experience its best to start small when trying out a new plant species.

https://www.amazon.com/Tree-Collard-Cuttings-perennial-collards/dp/B01CPQVU3W

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The Tree Collard plants came as advertised and I planted them the same day in one gallon containers. I’ve had a lot of success using smart pots. My back deck is full of perrenial edibles planted in them. The Tree Coolards are looking great and already growing after a week in the dirt. In year two I should be able to harvest the leaves and enjoy organic “greens” that grow from a tree in my own backyard. The more I read about how scientists, big agriculture and the government work together to skew nutrition science the more I want to consume what I grow. This is one small step in that direction.

https://www.amazon.com/Smart-Pots-1-Gallon-Soft-Sided-Container/dp/B002JUU4AU

I love perennial plants. I think of myself as a perennial person. I am resilient and I keep coming back after not producing anything during the winters of my bouts of small bowel obstructions and pacreatitis attacks. That is why I love nut trees, asparagus and hardy vining fruits that take less inputs, are more hardy than annuals and most importantly produce for years. The Tree Collard checks all those boxes, they produce edible leaves that taste like greens and can produce for 20 years with very little attention and best of all I only have to plant them once.

Growing perennial plants helps to amplify my efforts. I have a limited gas tank and my energy levels from day to day fluctuate wildly. For me anything I can do to get the best ROE (return on energy) I do it. Perennials give me the best return on the investment of my life force I transfer into theirs. It’s a way to plant once and harvest for years or even decades. The Hazel Nut trees I’ve planted should produce for over fifty years. Their life helps to support mine and my life helps to support them. Instead of annual plants which you only plant once and have to replant year after year.

The concept of the Life Force sounds like a hippie-dippie idea and I’m sure somebody else can explain it better. But for me the Life Force is simply the energy that started life, propels life to consume, reproduce and create and inhabits and connects every living creature on the planet. It is a force that we can encourage or we can blunt. When I am sick I feel like my life force is being blunted. My choices are dramatically limited. By dabbling in plants and being able to see growth on them after I’ve reemerged from my latest battle with a small bowel obstruction or a bad pancreatitis attack gives me hope that I can still grow and persevere just like my hardy perennial plants.

I used to think that getting flowers when I was sick was a total waste of money. Now I realize why people do it. Mother Nature, the Life Force or simply the Natural World is a miraculous place that is teaming with growth, new life, and ever-increasing complexity. Flowers and plants are a way to reconnect to that energy, especially when your own Life Force is blunted by disease, injury or intense pain.  If you know someone who is sick I suggest you get them a plant that will last a long time like a “Tree Collard”, a Bamboo plant, or an orchid.

The more I can encourage the Life Force of other living beings around me the more of my Life Force I have to share. It’s not a zero sum game. The more I give the more I have to give. Even when I’m not feeling my best I still want to share my Life Force with others and to help those I love grow stronger, enjoy life more and to live a better life because of my actions and attention. Perennial plants give back what you put in and they endure over years and even decades. They are a great way to mulitply your efforts and have tasty organic food you can share with those you love for years to come.

This week I’m increasing and sharing my Life Force by tending to, watching and documenting the growth of my three new Tree Collard plants. When I’m sick and stuck in bed I feel my life force ebb away. When I don’t have an outlet for my creativity or allow creativity in by listening to or reading positive information I feel a lot worse. I am thankful I found Tree Collard plants from a random article about supplements. My Life Force needs to be shared in order for it to increase. I’m still working on this theory but even if you don’t buy into any of the hippie-dippie stuff science has proven getting your hands dirty, planting and tending the plants, eating organic produce you grow all have a very positive effect upon your health and the health of those around you.

Happy Planting

Brad Miller

If you’ve found gardening helpful in your recovery process please share your experience.

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Why I shop at Kroger

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Kroger has Simple Truth Organic products on sale a lot. These were 2 for $5.

I used to be a huge fan of shopping at Publix. I felt that they were the best grocery store in town. After I moved two years ago I began shopping at my local Kroger and my opinion changed. This move also coincided with my renewed commitment to use food as a way to help me feel better and improve my health.  As I began to investigate more of the role nutrition has on my health I began buying more and more organic products. Kroger has an Organic Section that is growing and their own Natural/Organic Brand “Simple Truth” is outstanding and is revolutionizing the availability of organic food and organic personal care products.

http://www.simpletruth.com

The Simple Truth brand is both a natural product line and organic product line. There was some controversy last year about some Simple Truth products containing GMO ingredients. That was concerning their Simple Truth Natural line I believe. That is why I buy mostly The Simple Truth Organic stuff and I always read labels. For instance The Simple Truth Traditional Spaghetti Sauce had soy bean oil in it. I didn’t buy it. Instead I read labels until I found one that didn’t include GMO ingredients or vegetable oil. The consumer is still responsible for reading labels. The Simple Truth Brand Organic products are a great way for me to save money and is a better choice than driving hours to go to my nearest Whole Foods.

http://www.businessinsider.com/krogers-affordable-organic-food-2015-9

Kroger is not perfect and there are many Simple Truth stuff I don’t buy. But the products I do buy I think are superior in quality and taste to non-organic brands.  Take for instance their  Simple Truth Organic Cream Cheese and their Sour Cream. Before my pancreatitis was kicking my ass  I could eat the sour cream by the spoonful. It is extremely think and tasty and different from any other Sour Cream I’ve ever tried. Other Simple Truth products I like are the Organic Chicken Breasts, Organic Frozen Blueberries and Simple Truth Artesian water that has a ph of 7.6. For the last two months I’ve been drinking almost exclusively Icelandic Glacial Water and the Simple Truth Artesian Water.

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Simple Truth Artesian Water with a ph of 7.6

I believe that this has been one of the reasons my psoriasis has greatly improved and why I’m feeling better than I have for months. Also I buy Simple Truth Organic potatoes. They are smaller than traditionally grown potatoes and they go bad faster. But I believe buying organic is worth the extra price and is still a better value for my health even though the product could spoil faster. The Simple Truth grassed beef is something I’ve bought a lot of in the past as well. I used to buy that along with White Pasture’s Grass-Fed ground beef. The combination was delicious. I find more of the products I want to use at Kroger than any other grocery store in my area.

(White Oaks Patures is a local family run farm in Georgia who believes in treating animals well and feeding them what they are designed to eat. I’m a big fan.)

http://www.whiteoakpastures.com

This is a great video that explained what happened when a family ate only organic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oB6fUqmyKC8

 

I also choose to shop at my local Kroger not only for their lower priced organic selection but also because of the people and their operating hours. The women behind the Deli counter are just outstanding and those who help with checkout are as well. I normally use self-checkout but they always have someone there to help with a smiling face.  My schedule is not normal. Depending on how I’m feeling I might be up at 7:00am because I didn’t sleep the night before and need to go to get Organic Grapefruit juice because of a pancreatitis flare up. Or if I’m up late I can go to my local Kroger up until 1:00am to buy more high ph water. This is huge for people who have medical issues who need certain food products that help them feel better and do not keep normal hours. No matte what time I go the folks are always helpful, kind and smiling.

I’ve been extremely sick for the past few months and now I’m feeling much better. But during those times I felt awful I still tried to get out of the house each day and the one place I would go is my local Kroger. For someone who is chronically ill or suffering from chronic pain having a friendly safe place to go to is so important. Some days my shopping at Kroger would be my only contact with other people. I went in there the other day and the Store Manager let me know I dropped a dollar on the floor while I was at the deli counter. Before that I saw him interact with the women working in the deli and he was kind and respectful. You could tell they respected him as well. Those small interactions matter and create an atmosphere that is enjoyable to be in. When I’m sick I need all the help I can get and I need to be around positive energy. On top of treating each other well and friendly with customers, they are also extremely responsive. Before I started buying the Icelandic Glacial Water or knew about the Simple Truth Artesian water I bout Essentia water. When I told the lady who takes care of the Organic Section that I was buying a lot of it she started ordering more and I was always able to get it.

One of the reasons I don’t shop at Publix any more is that one of the owners of Publix gave $800,000 to an anti-cannabis campaign in Florida.  The daughter of the founder of Publix gave to a group that stopped Medical Cannabis Law being passed in 2012 and they are still trying to keep Cannabis illegal in Florida. She currently owns 5% of Publix and is worth a reported $1.8 billion.  I’ve not totally researched Kroger’s donations and in the future I might find that they are a company I don’t want to support. For the mean time I will continue to shop at Kroger and improve my health by buying Simple Truth Organic products and other organic products they offer.

http://www.miaminewtimes.com/news/publix-heiress-donates-800-000-to-fight-medical-marijuana-legalization-in-florida-8631552

I don’t go out of my way to boycott a company because I’m sure every big company does something I don’t believe in but legalizing cannabis is something I strongly believe in. I’ve struggled with chronic pain and autoimmune disease since I was twelve. And I’ve found Cannabis helpful in dealing with my symptoms but I’ve had to travel to Denver twice to find that out. And its because people support politicians and groups that are working to keep Cannabis illegal I’ve spend over $6000 on travel and other expenses. To give money to an anti-cannabis group is an attack on people who are chronically ill and are suffering. It makes their lives harder. Cannabis Prohibition and those who support it are also attacking every individual regardless of why they want to consume Cannabis because its every adults inherent right to choose whether to ingest Cannabis or not.We all have a right to choose what we put in our bodies. No government and no billionaire has the right to tells us what we can and can’t put into our bodies.

I explore this topic further in my blog post on LegalizeCannabisInGeorgia.com

https://legalizecannabisingeorgia.com/2016/09/15/cbd-oil-is-not-enough/

My local Kroger is also carrying more and more local produce as well. Where I live doesn’t have an established Farmer’s Market. That would my preferred option of getting my produce but until that time I’ll buy organic products and veggies from Kroger. If you believe something strongly and a company is going against it you have a right to vote with your dollars to support those who support what’s important to you. Kroger has made a commitment to make organic products and organic food more available at a lower price. Publix has missed the boat on this and on top of that one of the owners is actively attempting to keep Cannabis illegal in Florida. I don’t want to support that.

All of these reasons are why I shop at my local Kroger. We all vote with our dollars every time we spend them. A lot of people have voted with their dollars in support of Kroger to continue increasing their organic selection because they now sell over 12 Billion dollars worth of natural and organic products. The more I buy those products the more of them that will be produced and if enough people do that the prices will continue to come down. Eating organic, drinking alkaline water and supporting companies that are more inline with my personal philosophy are all ways I can live a little bit healthier today and ensure a better tomorrow.

Brad Miller

 

Ten ways that help me get back to living after being extremely sick

I’ve been in and out of hospitals for close to thirty years. I’ve endured over thirty small bowel obstructions, ten severe pancreatitis attacks and over twenty surgeries. In between I’ve had to deal with many episodes where I’d been extremely sick even though I didn’t have to go to the hospital. And what occurred after each of these events is that I had to get back up. I had to claw my way back into everyday life. There isn’t much written about these dark times for people with chronic illness. What’s even talked about less is how do we get back to living. I found these ten things helpful in my recovery the last time I was sick. I’m still going through recovery and practicing most of these everyday. This time around I was sick for months due to a small bowel obstruction and two extremely severe pancreatitis attacks.

Recovery for me means getting back control over my body and mind after being nearly destroyed by the pain and fatigue of my chronic illnesses. When I’m sick I don’t feel like myself. I’m exhausted and I’m in horrific pain. So it helps to be able to do what I can to survive and then begin to thrive again. These are some things I found helpful this time around.

  1. Time Warping – The ability to jump over minutes or even hours without being aware of the passage of time and the sensations of pain and misery in the present moment.  So many people say we need to be in the moment. My question has always been, why the fuck do I want to be in the moment when I am in extreme agony? This time around I was laid up for months and I found that playing Star Craft II really helped me Time Warp. It allowed me to not think about my pain or how miserable I felt for at least 15 minutes or so at a time. Another way I like to Time Warp is by taking a bath. From drawing the bath to sitting in it, to getting out, drying off and putting on fresh clothes I can burn through 45 minutes to an hour. I also like to watch something on Netflix while I’m taking a bath, like Star Trek or Family Guy.  I also started playing around with small drones. Even when my pain was really bad I could reduce the awareness of it for those five or ten minutes I was flying the drone.  It requires full concentration to fly it. I highly recommend anyone pick one up who is sick or in pain.
  2. Exercising in small increments – As I began to feel better I started making myself pay for each game of Star Craft II I played. I wouldn’t allow myself to start a new game until I completed a push-up or some other exercise. I started out with just a single pushup between each game – which was a great struggle -and now I’m up to fifteen. I would also mix in shadow boxing or doing squats as well. Along with the push-ups I started walking five minutes at a time outside just to get the body moving. When I’m laid up I feel powerless. Moving and feeling my body getting physically stronger through strength training and walking more and more each day gives me a sense of mastery and control that is in short supply when I’m laid up and life is on hold.
  3. Listening to podcasts – The number one podcast I listen to is the Joe Rogan Experience. Joe is an amazing guy who is always upbeat, funny and has a hunger for knowledge. He has guests on that are focused on living life to the fullest and talks about living a healthy lifestyle. I also like Joey Diaz’s The Church of What’s Happening Now. This one is not for the faint of heart. But through all of the coarseness and language is some great lessons. One thing he said recently  has stuck with me and I’m adding it to my list today. It is advice he gave to his producer Lee Syatt – He told him  “Stick to something for a year. You don’t know where it will lead”. I don’t know about others with chronic illness but commitment and consistency are something I struggle with everyday.
  4. Sticking with something for a year – When I’m sick it’s hard for me to imagine even getting through another day let alone trying to imagine living another year. But this advice from Joey Diaz has helped me to focus my limited energy in a positive way. In the past I’ve started and stopped many endeavors and two business before they got up and running. Now I’m focused for the next 12 months on posting three blog entries per week. I’m also starting up a podcast this week to talk with doctors, people in the cannabis world and those who understand what it’s like to live with a chronic illness. When I’m sick I try to calculate what my return on effort will before I do something. Most of the time I don’t even start something or if I do I don’t stick with it for long,  because I’m unable to imagine a return on my energy that will be worth the misery, effort, and possible disappointment if I fail. But Joey Diaz’s advice reminds me that I can’t know what my actions today will produce in the future. The effort is not wasted if I’m doing something that I enjoy and that may be of benefit to others.
  5. Helping someone – When I’m sick I always feel like I’m a black hole of need. I suck in everything and nothing escapes. For those weeks or even months I’m relying on others for a lot. Being sick for close to 30 years now has been a huge strain on my family. They have been awesome so when I can start helping them in some small way I always feel better. One of the turning points for me this time around was when my nephew and niece came to see me. They are 5 and 4 and so full of life. I made them juice cups and small plate of food. They were very appreciative. It made me feel great. When I can help those I love it makes me feel stronger and it’s very motivating to continue improving.
  6. Opening up one piece of mail – When I’m sick and in bed the last thing I want to think about are hospital bills, insurance or some phone call I need to return. But these things add up. I will have a stack of envelopes I know I need to open  but I just let them pile up. Opening one letter and taking care of what’s inside is vital to my physical recovery. Not addressing the things necessary to continue livings adds extra emotional stress which translates into physical stress. I always feel better when I begin knocking out the bills and taking care of what I need to do, one envelope at a time.
  7. Cleaning something or picking something up –I have a tendency to allow my space to become overwhelmed with clothes papers and the mess of living when I’m sick. If I make myself pick up one thing I feel better. If I make myself take my plate and cup to the dishwasher I feel better. These little victories add up and I can see that I can still make a difference in the world even if it means just putting my clothes in the hamper. Also no matter how bad I feel I always shower and it never fails to help.
  8. Reaching out to someone – Being sick, in pain and alone is terrible. I’m fortunate to have two great brothers who are always reaching out to me. I will go weeks sometimes months without reaching out to them. Even if it’s just a simple text,  or a phone call, or commenting on an Instagram post, I feel better because I’m making the effort. One of the ways I know I’m getting better is when I ask my older brother out to lunch. We do this about three times a week when I’m in between feeling awful. So getting back into that routine is always helpful.
  9. Cooking a meal  – Cooking is a way to feed your body and your soul. It is also a creative act. When I’m ill I don’t feel very productive at all, because I’m not. Cooking something that will benefit me and my loved ones helps me to feel better. Recently I cooked Key West shrimp with butter and lemon on a sheet tray and some baked potatoes. It was almost zero prep time and not much clean up and it was extremely tasty and good for us.
  10. Getting outside – This time around has been one of the hardest of my life and I spent a lot of time inside. It’s the most time think I have spent inside since I was first diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at the age of twelve. Being inside physically and mentally limits my ability to visualize a better future. The same walls the same stupid crap on t.v., the horrible commercials all serve to limit possibilities. By going outside and reasserting that I am a part of the greater world of nature lifts my spirits. Even if it’s ten minutes in the sun, watering some flowers,  or walking barefoot in the grass I feel physically better. My mind is quiter as well. Hearing the birds, seeing the trees sway in the wind and watching the squirrels chase each other reassure me that life persists and that I am a part of this miraculous natural world.

Entering back into the world after a horrible bout of an illness or a surgery can be scary, depressing, and physically and emotionally painful. Recovering requires physical actions as well as a positive outlook. When I am in the depths of one of these attacks or recovering from surgery my thoughts trend to the negative. It feels as if they are physically generated.  I have a mental fog that overwhelms me when I don’t feel well. The pain and fatigue and inflammation create a physical change in my brain that I can feel. Time plus postive small actions done consistently and the love and support of my family, help to turn my negative physical state which directly improves my mental state. Only by doing positive physical actions, listening to positive podcasts, and helping others can I keep the fog away and begin thinking and planning for a better future.

I’m just past through the most difficult part of my recovery process this time around. It’s the transition point from being totally consumed with pain, fatigue and overall misery to being at a point where I can begin reassessing my life, making plans and thinking about acting upon them.  After going through all this pain, paying the thousands of dollars in medical bills, and being alone for so long, I emerge to see what state my life is truly in. This his can actually be my toughest stretch because I’m still physically weak and now I have my entire life to get back into order.

I’m still ill, I hurt everyday, I live with my mom, I’m currently not working, I don’t have a girlfirend. I’m starting again from the bottom like I’ve done so many times before. It feels like I’ve gone through all this just to have a lifetime of struggle, lonliness and pain ahead of me. But as time goes on I know I’ll enjoy life a little bit more everyday. I’ll  laugh more. I’ll begin making money again. I’ll get my own place. I’ll find someone to love and who loves me. I’ll seek out new experiences and be fully engaged in life once more.

I would like to hear what helps you recover after being knocked down by illness or surgery. I’m always looking for ways to improve my recovery process.

Living better one game of Star Craft II at a time.

Brad Miller

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