Category: Chronically ill

Philosophy And Chronic Illness

“Sometimes even to live is an act of Courage.” Seneca

I’ve wanted to give up countless times over the past thirty years. I’ve wanted the pain and loneliness to be over. I wanted to be done with the hospitals, the doctors, wearing a bag, getting stuck, taking pills. Even though I’ve wanted to quit many times it was never for very long. I’ve always gotten back up. I credit this to my family and the ideas from the authors I’ve read during my illness. Over these last thirty years I’ve read up a lot on philosophy, self-help and neuroscience.What I’ve concluded after all this reading is that my personal philosophy affects my health more than anything else I can do or others can do for me.

I hate being sick. I hate hurting. There is no philosophy that I’ve found that explains with any logic or merit why I’m sick or what purpose it serves. I used to believe in god but that ended when I was in my twenties. My personal philosophy doesn’t seek to understand or justify or explain why I’m sick or in horrific pain. What I’ve sought out is a practical system of thinking to help me live my best life today, enjoy life more and help others around me enjoy more of life as well. I see a personal philosophy as series of ideas that inform my choices, help me set priorities, and endure in the face of overwhelming sickness and pain.

When I ran my first marathon I came across the concept of having an Internal Locus of Control which I added as a key tenet of my personal philosophy. I decided to complete a marathon after almost dying from complications from a surgery. The recovery was horrifically painful. But I decided when I was in the hospital I would compete a marathon. My intention was to reestablish the paradigm that my mind controlled my body and not the other way around. I started walking around the hospital, then when I got home I started walking around the pool and then into the neighborhood.

I had purchased the book “Non-Runner’s Marathon Trainer” years before I started the training. So after the surgery I started reading it. Immediately I knew this would be one of the books that changed my life forever. It introduced me to the concept of having an Internal Locus of Control. This means that my actions determine my fate. The opposite is having an External Locus of Control meaning that external events and other people determine the course and outcome of my life. At the time my doctors and family all thought I was nuts to complete the training let alone complete a marathon. I highly recommend the book even if you never plan on completing a marathon.

https://www.amazon.com/Non-Runners-Marathon-Trainer-David-Whitsett/dp/1570281823

Seven months after almost dying I completed my first marathon, it took me five and a half hours but I finished. Those seven months of training were more about training me how to think rather than how to run. Later on in the training schedule I would use the techniques in the book to breeze through an 8 mile run after work. Look back on that now seems impossible. But at the time it was just what I did. One of the techniques I really liked was the concept of typing out on an imaginary computer positive sentences while I was running. I would imagine my fingers hitting each letter on a keyboard then it would display upon on the computer screen in my mind. I would spell out “I am strong”, “I can run all day” and “I enjoy running”. These ideas became true. Now its been almost 9 years since I completed the marathon and I haven’t ran much recently. But I have begun using this technique again to help me get my chronic pancreatitis under control.

Having a personal philosophy is vitally important to everyone but especially for those who have a chronic illness. For those who are suffering it can feel like your body, your doctors, the insurance companies and the government are in control of your life, instead of you. But that is merely a choice of how to think. Once you decide that a key part of your personal philosophy is having an Internal Locus of Control new cognitive and physical doors will begin to open. Your body responds to your thoughts I’ve not personally been able to heal myself through thinking. I know it’s not a quick fix but I do believe my thoughts have an extremely important part in healing and helping me to make choices that will lead to a fuller more fulfilling life.

A key part of my personal philosophy is that I do have an Internal Locus of Control. I have the ability to find a solution to every health issue I have and to create the life I want to live. Even if its not a full solution or so called “cure” and even if it takes years to figure it out. I will never stop improving myself and seeking to feel better. I do have the ability to finding ways to live better each day. It’s not always easy to feel like and I have my doubts somedays especially on those days when I don’t even want to get out of bed. But the underlying idea of having an Internal Locus of Control that helps me to keep getting back up after I get knocked back down, whether it’s by a bowel obstruction or a severe pancreatitis attack. I want to live. I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to fall in love. I want to feel good. I want to feel pleasure not merely be pain free. And that desire plus the belief that my actions can change my fate are what keep me going.

My next two posts will be on the ways Stoicism and the Paleo lifestyle have shaped my personal philosophy and my relationship to my chronic pain and autoimmune diseases.

Keep taking those small steps – they add up

Brad Miller

 

Please leave a comment if you’ve found philosophy helpful in dealing with chronic illness or chronic pain.

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Encouraging Life when you’re chronically sick

My Life Force is interrupted when I am sick. When I don’t feel well my life is greatly reduced. My ability and capacity to think, act and encourage life in plants, pets and family and friends is greatly limited. Love for me is using my life to encourage, support or increase the life of another person, plant or animal.  But in order to do this I must take better care of myself. And this is where researching, planting, tending and eventually eating from the organic perennial plants in my backyard I put into dirt helps.

I always feel better when I am helping to sustain or encourage the life of another living entity.   When I’m feeling the worst its nice to know that I have plants that I have nurtured from seed or sapling in the past into  fully functioning plants. When I look out my window into the backyard and see these plants growing it helps me to visualize a future in which I once again will be able to do the same.  I have hazel nut trees, hardy kiwi vines, a tea plant, asparagus, two avocado trees, and many other types of perennial plants that have endured through my negligence of being sick over the past four months. After only a week or two of attention they are all bouncing back, minus a few.

I know I’m feeling better when I want to plant something new and be responsible for its growth. This responsibility helps me to feel productive even on days when I feel like I’m a giant drain on the world instead of being a contributor to it. My latest project is growing Tree Collard plants. Having a living thing dependent on me is scary. Consistency is something that I am constantly struggling with. But the payoffs are worth the risk. Organic produce I can share, a reason to get up even when I feel my worst, and a tangible reminder that I can impact the world in a positive way.

http://projecttreecollard.org

I’ve studied Permaculture, organic farming, with an emphasis on perennial plants and have never heard of this plant until a few weeks ago. I found out about these amazing plants while reading an article on supplements. The expert being interviewed recommended growing your own organic veggies and mentioned Tree Collards. It didn’t take me long to find the Project Tree Collard website. Their site is full of great information and video tutorials. After reviewing their site I orderdered three of them from their Amazon listing. I found out from past experience its best to start small when trying out a new plant species.

https://www.amazon.com/Tree-Collard-Cuttings-perennial-collards/dp/B01CPQVU3W

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The Tree Collard plants came as advertised and I planted them the same day in one gallon containers. I’ve had a lot of success using smart pots. My back deck is full of perrenial edibles planted in them. The Tree Coolards are looking great and already growing after a week in the dirt. In year two I should be able to harvest the leaves and enjoy organic “greens” that grow from a tree in my own backyard. The more I read about how scientists, big agriculture and the government work together to skew nutrition science the more I want to consume what I grow. This is one small step in that direction.

https://www.amazon.com/Smart-Pots-1-Gallon-Soft-Sided-Container/dp/B002JUU4AU

I love perennial plants. I think of myself as a perennial person. I am resilient and I keep coming back after not producing anything during the winters of my bouts of small bowel obstructions and pacreatitis attacks. That is why I love nut trees, asparagus and hardy vining fruits that take less inputs, are more hardy than annuals and most importantly produce for years. The Tree Collard checks all those boxes, they produce edible leaves that taste like greens and can produce for 20 years with very little attention and best of all I only have to plant them once.

Growing perennial plants helps to amplify my efforts. I have a limited gas tank and my energy levels from day to day fluctuate wildly. For me anything I can do to get the best ROE (return on energy) I do it. Perennials give me the best return on the investment of my life force I transfer into theirs. It’s a way to plant once and harvest for years or even decades. The Hazel Nut trees I’ve planted should produce for over fifty years. Their life helps to support mine and my life helps to support them. Instead of annual plants which you only plant once and have to replant year after year.

The concept of the Life Force sounds like a hippie-dippie idea and I’m sure somebody else can explain it better. But for me the Life Force is simply the energy that started life, propels life to consume, reproduce and create and inhabits and connects every living creature on the planet. It is a force that we can encourage or we can blunt. When I am sick I feel like my life force is being blunted. My choices are dramatically limited. By dabbling in plants and being able to see growth on them after I’ve reemerged from my latest battle with a small bowel obstruction or a bad pancreatitis attack gives me hope that I can still grow and persevere just like my hardy perennial plants.

I used to think that getting flowers when I was sick was a total waste of money. Now I realize why people do it. Mother Nature, the Life Force or simply the Natural World is a miraculous place that is teaming with growth, new life, and ever-increasing complexity. Flowers and plants are a way to reconnect to that energy, especially when your own Life Force is blunted by disease, injury or intense pain.  If you know someone who is sick I suggest you get them a plant that will last a long time like a “Tree Collard”, a Bamboo plant, or an orchid.

The more I can encourage the Life Force of other living beings around me the more of my Life Force I have to share. It’s not a zero sum game. The more I give the more I have to give. Even when I’m not feeling my best I still want to share my Life Force with others and to help those I love grow stronger, enjoy life more and to live a better life because of my actions and attention. Perennial plants give back what you put in and they endure over years and even decades. They are a great way to mulitply your efforts and have tasty organic food you can share with those you love for years to come.

This week I’m increasing and sharing my Life Force by tending to, watching and documenting the growth of my three new Tree Collard plants. When I’m sick and stuck in bed I feel my life force ebb away. When I don’t have an outlet for my creativity or allow creativity in by listening to or reading positive information I feel a lot worse. I am thankful I found Tree Collard plants from a random article about supplements. My Life Force needs to be shared in order for it to increase. I’m still working on this theory but even if you don’t buy into any of the hippie-dippie stuff science has proven getting your hands dirty, planting and tending the plants, eating organic produce you grow all have a very positive effect upon your health and the health of those around you.

Happy Planting

Brad Miller

If you’ve found gardening helpful in your recovery process please share your experience.

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Ten ways that help me get back to living after being extremely sick

I’ve been in and out of hospitals for close to thirty years. I’ve endured over thirty small bowel obstructions, ten severe pancreatitis attacks and over twenty surgeries. In between I’ve had to deal with many episodes where I’d been extremely sick even though I didn’t have to go to the hospital. And what occurred after each of these events is that I had to get back up. I had to claw my way back into everyday life. There isn’t much written about these dark times for people with chronic illness. What’s even talked about less is how do we get back to living. I found these ten things helpful in my recovery the last time I was sick. I’m still going through recovery and practicing most of these everyday. This time around I was sick for months due to a small bowel obstruction and two extremely severe pancreatitis attacks.

Recovery for me means getting back control over my body and mind after being nearly destroyed by the pain and fatigue of my chronic illnesses. When I’m sick I don’t feel like myself. I’m exhausted and I’m in horrific pain. So it helps to be able to do what I can to survive and then begin to thrive again. These are some things I found helpful this time around.

  1. Time Warping – The ability to jump over minutes or even hours without being aware of the passage of time and the sensations of pain and misery in the present moment.  So many people say we need to be in the moment. My question has always been, why the fuck do I want to be in the moment when I am in extreme agony? This time around I was laid up for months and I found that playing Star Craft II really helped me Time Warp. It allowed me to not think about my pain or how miserable I felt for at least 15 minutes or so at a time. Another way I like to Time Warp is by taking a bath. From drawing the bath to sitting in it, to getting out, drying off and putting on fresh clothes I can burn through 45 minutes to an hour. I also like to watch something on Netflix while I’m taking a bath, like Star Trek or Family Guy.  I also started playing around with small drones. Even when my pain was really bad I could reduce the awareness of it for those five or ten minutes I was flying the drone.  It requires full concentration to fly it. I highly recommend anyone pick one up who is sick or in pain.
  2. Exercising in small increments – As I began to feel better I started making myself pay for each game of Star Craft II I played. I wouldn’t allow myself to start a new game until I completed a push-up or some other exercise. I started out with just a single pushup between each game – which was a great struggle -and now I’m up to fifteen. I would also mix in shadow boxing or doing squats as well. Along with the push-ups I started walking five minutes at a time outside just to get the body moving. When I’m laid up I feel powerless. Moving and feeling my body getting physically stronger through strength training and walking more and more each day gives me a sense of mastery and control that is in short supply when I’m laid up and life is on hold.
  3. Listening to podcasts – The number one podcast I listen to is the Joe Rogan Experience. Joe is an amazing guy who is always upbeat, funny and has a hunger for knowledge. He has guests on that are focused on living life to the fullest and talks about living a healthy lifestyle. I also like Joey Diaz’s The Church of What’s Happening Now. This one is not for the faint of heart. But through all of the coarseness and language is some great lessons. One thing he said recently  has stuck with me and I’m adding it to my list today. It is advice he gave to his producer Lee Syatt – He told him  “Stick to something for a year. You don’t know where it will lead”. I don’t know about others with chronic illness but commitment and consistency are something I struggle with everyday.
  4. Sticking with something for a year – When I’m sick it’s hard for me to imagine even getting through another day let alone trying to imagine living another year. But this advice from Joey Diaz has helped me to focus my limited energy in a positive way. In the past I’ve started and stopped many endeavors and two business before they got up and running. Now I’m focused for the next 12 months on posting three blog entries per week. I’m also starting up a podcast this week to talk with doctors, people in the cannabis world and those who understand what it’s like to live with a chronic illness. When I’m sick I try to calculate what my return on effort will before I do something. Most of the time I don’t even start something or if I do I don’t stick with it for long,  because I’m unable to imagine a return on my energy that will be worth the misery, effort, and possible disappointment if I fail. But Joey Diaz’s advice reminds me that I can’t know what my actions today will produce in the future. The effort is not wasted if I’m doing something that I enjoy and that may be of benefit to others.
  5. Helping someone – When I’m sick I always feel like I’m a black hole of need. I suck in everything and nothing escapes. For those weeks or even months I’m relying on others for a lot. Being sick for close to 30 years now has been a huge strain on my family. They have been awesome so when I can start helping them in some small way I always feel better. One of the turning points for me this time around was when my nephew and niece came to see me. They are 5 and 4 and so full of life. I made them juice cups and small plate of food. They were very appreciative. It made me feel great. When I can help those I love it makes me feel stronger and it’s very motivating to continue improving.
  6. Opening up one piece of mail – When I’m sick and in bed the last thing I want to think about are hospital bills, insurance or some phone call I need to return. But these things add up. I will have a stack of envelopes I know I need to open  but I just let them pile up. Opening one letter and taking care of what’s inside is vital to my physical recovery. Not addressing the things necessary to continue livings adds extra emotional stress which translates into physical stress. I always feel better when I begin knocking out the bills and taking care of what I need to do, one envelope at a time.
  7. Cleaning something or picking something up –I have a tendency to allow my space to become overwhelmed with clothes papers and the mess of living when I’m sick. If I make myself pick up one thing I feel better. If I make myself take my plate and cup to the dishwasher I feel better. These little victories add up and I can see that I can still make a difference in the world even if it means just putting my clothes in the hamper. Also no matter how bad I feel I always shower and it never fails to help.
  8. Reaching out to someone – Being sick, in pain and alone is terrible. I’m fortunate to have two great brothers who are always reaching out to me. I will go weeks sometimes months without reaching out to them. Even if it’s just a simple text,  or a phone call, or commenting on an Instagram post, I feel better because I’m making the effort. One of the ways I know I’m getting better is when I ask my older brother out to lunch. We do this about three times a week when I’m in between feeling awful. So getting back into that routine is always helpful.
  9. Cooking a meal  – Cooking is a way to feed your body and your soul. It is also a creative act. When I’m ill I don’t feel very productive at all, because I’m not. Cooking something that will benefit me and my loved ones helps me to feel better. Recently I cooked Key West shrimp with butter and lemon on a sheet tray and some baked potatoes. It was almost zero prep time and not much clean up and it was extremely tasty and good for us.
  10. Getting outside – This time around has been one of the hardest of my life and I spent a lot of time inside. It’s the most time think I have spent inside since I was first diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at the age of twelve. Being inside physically and mentally limits my ability to visualize a better future. The same walls the same stupid crap on t.v., the horrible commercials all serve to limit possibilities. By going outside and reasserting that I am a part of the greater world of nature lifts my spirits. Even if it’s ten minutes in the sun, watering some flowers,  or walking barefoot in the grass I feel physically better. My mind is quiter as well. Hearing the birds, seeing the trees sway in the wind and watching the squirrels chase each other reassure me that life persists and that I am a part of this miraculous natural world.

Entering back into the world after a horrible bout of an illness or a surgery can be scary, depressing, and physically and emotionally painful. Recovering requires physical actions as well as a positive outlook. When I am in the depths of one of these attacks or recovering from surgery my thoughts trend to the negative. It feels as if they are physically generated.  I have a mental fog that overwhelms me when I don’t feel well. The pain and fatigue and inflammation create a physical change in my brain that I can feel. Time plus postive small actions done consistently and the love and support of my family, help to turn my negative physical state which directly improves my mental state. Only by doing positive physical actions, listening to positive podcasts, and helping others can I keep the fog away and begin thinking and planning for a better future.

I’m just past through the most difficult part of my recovery process this time around. It’s the transition point from being totally consumed with pain, fatigue and overall misery to being at a point where I can begin reassessing my life, making plans and thinking about acting upon them.  After going through all this pain, paying the thousands of dollars in medical bills, and being alone for so long, I emerge to see what state my life is truly in. This his can actually be my toughest stretch because I’m still physically weak and now I have my entire life to get back into order.

I’m still ill, I hurt everyday, I live with my mom, I’m currently not working, I don’t have a girlfirend. I’m starting again from the bottom like I’ve done so many times before. It feels like I’ve gone through all this just to have a lifetime of struggle, lonliness and pain ahead of me. But as time goes on I know I’ll enjoy life a little bit more everyday. I’ll  laugh more. I’ll begin making money again. I’ll get my own place. I’ll find someone to love and who loves me. I’ll seek out new experiences and be fully engaged in life once more.

I would like to hear what helps you recover after being knocked down by illness or surgery. I’m always looking for ways to improve my recovery process.

Living better one game of Star Craft II at a time.

Brad Miller

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